it's surreal, too. because i know this feeling enveloping me is just plastic, and if i had the right tools i could chop it up easily. but i don't have anything and it has me trapped where i can't move or breathe or blink. all i can do is think about how miserable i am and how i have no one and never will, and i how i don't deserve happiness anyway.
the loneliness is the worst part, but the self-hatred is a close second. i am ugly, i am grotesque, i am loathsome and stupid and pathetic and i could have been something spectacular, i could have been great, but i ruined it, i ruined everything, i always ruin everything. i am a dirty, repulsive, whining, clingy, disgusting whore and i deserve to be treated like one. it is my own fault for making myself this way, and the regret tears into me like a knife cutting into dry ice, only the ice isn't screaming, i'm screaming, i'm screaming and writhing and no one will help me, they just look at me, revolted, and walk away. they could save me if they wanted to but no one wants to and no one ever will because i am not worth saving. i am not worth the space i take up on this planet.
so, yeah. i'm depressed. hopefully my readers enjoyed my poetic description of what it's like to feel like shit. as to what i'm going to do about it, well, what CAN i do about it? whenever i go to a friend with my problems, they are disgusted and run away like i have some sort of highly contagious disease, and spending time with me might get them infected. and i seriously don't have any friends to talk to anyway; they are all in other states. that's what happens when everyone you know is from treatment centers. i could drown my sorrows in something healthy like exercise or art or meditation, but those things take too much effort; i can hardly summon the energy to type this. i could channel my distress into an unhealthy coping mechanism, like food or burning or cutting (tempting), but i have lost the energy it takes to go down that path either. i am too worn out to relapse; having an eating disorder is a hell of a lot of work, and besides, i am aware of the benefits which are few and far between, especially when compared with the costs. no, i won't binge and purge tonight.
so what else can i do? what other options do i have? i could read but i don't have the concentration. i could play piano but i just finished doing that. i could look at dirty web sites but that is revolting and i'd rather slice my arms open. i could watch tv but i don't have one. i could clean my room but i just finished with that. i want to write my story, but i'm afraid it will just make me more sad. i'm on the part where i met john for the first time. for those of you who don't know, john was one of the chief instructors in the wilderness program i was at when i was 17. he and mark, the other CI, were both my heroes. they helped save my life. then they both let me down. it was my own fault, too. it was that gross, inexplicable quality about me that makes people want to run- i am not making this up, there is seriously something about me that repulses people when they get to know me too well. they came too close, saw whatever it was in me, turned around and ran as fast as they could to get away from me. the words ryan said to me that day out in the summer range are seared into my brain, i can't escape from them.
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."
"THERE'S A REASON YOU WEREN'T TOLD HE WAS IN TOWN."
and i hate myself even more, until i wish i could rip my soul into tiny shreds and burn them and bury the ashes ten miles underground so no one would find them and be plagued by my presence ever again. and i know i can't trust ANYONE, because no matter how well-meaning they are, i know they'll run when they see it. no one stays. the only people who stay are tied to me by blood. they've seen me grow up and i've seen them grow up and i guess that makes us friends forever. but what good is a family when you're alone and destroyed, and the world exists to let you down?
no, i can't write my story when i'm like this. i'd probably get all sad and sentimental and regretful about john and end up rereading it later and sounding like a retard and erasing it all because it's complete trash. john, you let me down. i know i disgust you and annoy you and you don't want to be bothered by me so much that you won't even add me as a friend on facebook and refuse my invitation when i send it. you come into town and apparently "there's a reason why i was not informed." reason being, you dislike me and think i am a clingy, needy, whiny kid who has a crush on you. but maybe it wasn't that i was whiny and needy and had a crush. maybe it was that you helped me remember why i chose to live, why i wanted to live, why all the pain was worth it. YOU gave that back to me, YOU helped me trust people again, and i believed you when you promised to write me back, that i could talk to you anytime and you wouldn't care, that i was wrong when i worried that you'd forget me. Maybe you were just my goddamn fucking hero, the first hero i'd ever had, and i'm sorry because obviously you can't handle being someone's hero. you do your job but you can't deal with the responsibility because you made fucking sure i wouldn't look to you as a mentor as soon as you noticed it happening. you took great pains to insure that you wouldn't be my hero anymore. well congratulations, john, you're not.
i am so mad right now. anger gives me more energy than depression. i was all set to sleep my sadness away, but now i am angry as hell. i want to kick someone in the nads, but i guess i'll have to settle for cleaning my room again.
by the way, if anyone was disturbed at all by this entry, don't worry. it'll all evaporate in the morning when i take my effexor. goodnight---
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