feeling shitty

why does recovery have to be so hard? i can be doing fine for weeks at a time and then BAM! all of a sudden something hits me, like depression or loneliness or fatalism or cravings or bad body image. it's like being in the hospital for months at a time, unable to get out of bed, and then as soon as you're walking out the door all happy and healed, you slip on a patch of ice and are flat on your back once again. with no warning at all, either. it sucks, because how am i going to know whether or not i'm ready to go back to wilderness if these episodes are so unpredictable? and if i don't go back to wilderness, i'll DIE inside! even worse would be if i made it back to wilderness only to relapse again and redo everything i did before. that would be like the most painful kind of death imaginable. maybe crucifixion. i don't want to crucify myself. i want to be healthy and nomadic and live like a hippie. sarah the happy hippie. not sarah the pathetic, twisted, deranged, repulsive bulimic. i want to be finished with that sarah. so why does she keep showing up? it bothers me how that happens. more than bothers. it scares me. i wish my recovery was 100% already. why does it have to take an average of 7 years? i'm only at the beginning of year 4, and i don't know if i can deal with another three years of the same old bullshit. i'd better not relapse again. i'd better not relapse because i am DONE with treatment, so if i go down again it'll be for good.