how to make a friend

"CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Dear Rob: Help! When I give love I feel powerful but when I accept love I feel weak. So even though I dearly crave love, when someone tries to give it to me I run away. I'm afraid of the vulnerability that comes from being the recipient of the gift; I'm afraid of being in debt to the person who's offering it; I'm afraid of the loss of control that comes from not providing myself with everything I need; and I'm afraid that if I accept love, I'll get addicted to it, and then how will I cope if it goes away? What can I do? -Cowardly Crab." Dear Crab: In the coming weeks, the universe will conspire to help you find new ways to think about these riddles. You'll have tremendous access to the precise kind of courage you need."  

That's an interesting horoscope. Then again, Rob Brezny always has something witty to say.  

i was lonely today, but i tried something new. instead of sleeping, like i usually do, i went to the gym with greg and katie. the hardest part was giving up my nap and the prospect of isolating and wallowing, and making the decision to get my butt on an exercise machine instead. when i said i was too depressed to exercise, greg made a good point that exercise releases endorphins. i couldn't very well argue with that, so i went. it wasn't bad at all, and made me feel good that i'm not just wasting my gym membership. the other reason i decided to give in and go to the gym was because i didn't want greg to be right. the other day we were fighting and i called him self-absorbed because he is always feeling sorry for himself, and he told me it is my own fault that i'm lonely and depressed because every time he invites me to go somewhere and do something where i'd get to meet new people, i always say no. he said i'd be less depressed if i'd actually spend time with people once in awhile. so when he asked me to go to the gym, i couldn't very well turn him down, right? then he'd win!  

it's just hard to meet people and make friends in college. in high school you have the same set of people in pretty much all your classes for all four years, so it's easy to get to know people. (even if everyone is mean and cliquey and you're a social outcast and no one sits with you at lunch or talks to you in the locker room and you have no friends whatsoever. but that's purely situational and has nothing to do with what i'm talking about.) college is just too big; you can have five different classes and not a single person who's in more than one of them with you. unless you live on campus, there really aren't that many opportunities to meet people. i suppose i could join a club, but there's nothing i'm interested in or good at which has been made into a club. 

i have tried what john from wilderness quest told me to do to make new friends: every time i'm in class, i turn to the person sitting next to me, stick out my hand and say "hi, i'm sarah, what's your name?" but john forgot to tell me what the next step is. because all i have accomplished with the "hi, i'm sarah" technique is learning the names of about ten people. knowing names doesn't get me invitations to parties or dates or study groups. maybe it just takes some time. that sucks. i HATE things that take time. i HATE waiting.  

i tried a new technique of making friends the other day, and it seems to have worked better than anything else i've tried. but i am pretty sure it is not a very repeatable method. i went to the taco place they have on campus, and just started talking to the guy who works there. mostly i was teasing him for taking such a long time with my order. (he is seriously the slowest taco-maker of all time! it took him literally five minutes to make two tacos, maybe longer!!) i don't think that's generally a good way to make friends, seeing as how it might upset the people waiting in line behind me. (i am not the only person who has a hard time waiting) it didn't matter this time since there was no line at all. i was sure he'd just forget about me since he sees so many customers, but i came back like two weeks later and he remembered me and asked me my name. so now i have a friend at the taco stand. but that's pretty much it. i think i might be able to make a few friends in my english class soon- she sometimes has us work in small groups, which is conducive to meeting people. i am scared of girls, though. 

the only girl friends i have are from treatment, and that's only because they were the only people available to me and i had no choice. believe me, if i'd had a choice, i would never have made friends with those girls. don't get me wrong, girlfriends are GREAT; in fact, i'd go so far as to say that one solid girlfriend is worth three or four guy friends. they are loyal, stick by you, sensitive, understanding, and sympathize with you in ways guys never could. but it is so HARD to make friends with a girl. the only practice i have is from treatment, where everything is already out on the table and you have no secrets. getting a girl to take down her walls and open up to you in the real world is virtually impossible for me to figure out how to do. i should get a self-help book or something.  

just when i finished the first book in a totally exciting series, kate left town. she had the second book, and i couldn't get it from her and start reading it until she got back. how excruciating! fortunately, she drove me home tonight and was thoughtful enough to listen to my pleading messages on her answering machine and bring the book with her to lend me. i am so excited to start reading it! the series is "Uglies," and the second book that i'm reading now is called "Pretties." it's about a world in the future where everyone, once they turn sixteen, gets to turn pretty. so in a world where everyone is pretty, normal people are considered ugly. but there's this girl and she's not sure if she wants to be turned pretty, so she runs away with her friend, and it's about where they go and what happens to them. i definitely recommend it. the plot makes up for an occasional lack of elegance in the writing. 

i am also reading one flew over the cuckoo's nest. i've read the first half before, but never finished it. it's good. reminds me of klarman. a LOT.

feeling shitty

why does recovery have to be so hard? i can be doing fine for weeks at a time and then BAM! all of a sudden something hits me, like depression or loneliness or fatalism or cravings or bad body image. it's like being in the hospital for months at a time, unable to get out of bed, and then as soon as you're walking out the door all happy and healed, you slip on a patch of ice and are flat on your back once again. with no warning at all, either. it sucks, because how am i going to know whether or not i'm ready to go back to wilderness if these episodes are so unpredictable? and if i don't go back to wilderness, i'll DIE inside! even worse would be if i made it back to wilderness only to relapse again and redo everything i did before. that would be like the most painful kind of death imaginable. maybe crucifixion. i don't want to crucify myself. i want to be healthy and nomadic and live like a hippie. sarah the happy hippie. not sarah the pathetic, twisted, deranged, repulsive bulimic. i want to be finished with that sarah. so why does she keep showing up? it bothers me how that happens. more than bothers. it scares me. i wish my recovery was 100% already. why does it have to take an average of 7 years? i'm only at the beginning of year 4, and i don't know if i can deal with another three years of the same old bullshit. i'd better not relapse again. i'd better not relapse because i am DONE with treatment, so if i go down again it'll be for good.

augh!

i am sooooo excited about wilderness quest...!!! i KNOW i should spend less time daydreaming about the future and more time studying and doing homework, but i can't HELP it!

i plan on downloading an application and mailing it in at the beginning/middle of June, when i get my one-year-in-recovery. (!!!) i'll call troy a week or two later, asking what he thinks and when i could possibly come in for training. they generally have training the first or second week of every month, so who knows? maybe i'll be in monticello on my birthday! i'll start working for wq after taking a week off- driving back to provo, settling any business stuff i have here, etc, then either getting a ride or taking the bus down to monticello on tuesday to make it there in time for the next day. they have a staff house that i can stay at whenever i need to, so lodging won't be a problem.

after i get a few weeks of money saved up, and before my contract runs out at the end of august, i plan on buying a car. (hopefully a small truck with good gas mileage, if there is such a thing) i'll spend my weeks off back in provo, seeing my therapist and dietician, going to meetings, hanging out with my siblings, maybe working a side job or doing art projects, going to church/institute/FHE, and trying to get rid of as much "stuff" as possible. (like the dresser i just bought, and all the clothes and shoes i don't need, etc) maybe dot will be out here by then and i can help her out by lending her some things- like, she could borrow my scentsy warmer or exercise ball, which wouldn't make sense to have in a car. 

when my contract is up at the end of august, i will officially begin life as a nomad; when i work i'll be traveling everyday, and when i'm off i'll be living out of my car...!!! i can shower at the staff house before i leave and when i get back into town, and maybe kate or dot would let me use their shower. if worse comes to worse, i'll shower at the rec center (it's like a YMCA), or at aunt mary's house if she lets me, or (and this would be really sneaky) in the showers in hinckley hall. they leave the doors wide open, anyone can use them! haha, that would be HILARIOUS if it came to that! "pardon me while i borrow your showers, ladies!" hahaha

the reason i want to have a truck instead of some other type of car is so that i can put a mattress in the back and sleep under the stars. of course, if i were parked in a non-deserted area, i'd probably want to sleep inside the car. it'd be perfect to live out of my car because i could go wherever i wanted on my weeks off and not have to pay for bus fare or train fare, or worry about walking. if i didn't have a truck, i'd at least need a bike rack; my bike, charlotte, is my darling. she got me EVERYWHERE when i was in CA. even when i get a car, i'll still need her to get around, and just to have fun. bikes can go places that cars can't.

i wouldn't have to pay rent to anyone and i'd be entirely self-sufficient! i could go on trips and explore different places- if someone randomly invited me to visit them in CO, i could just GO! i could visit friends without having to worry about inconveniencing them by staying at their house. i could go to whatever ward i wanted to. (my ward here is kind of ehn) i could even make a trip to long beach to visit everyone down there! if i wanted to visit my parents on my week off (which i could do because i'd have money to buy myself a ticket!) i could park at the airport and fly home, then come back and have it there, ready to drive back to monticello. i'd get tons of driving hours in (i need more practice; i NEVER get a chance to drive now) and i could listen to music and books on tape! i'd have everything in my car set up like a little home, with a place to store books and somewhere else to store clean clothes and a bag for dirty clothes, and my little store of food... i'd have to get a car that doesn't break down all the time, because i'd be really dependent on it, but if it did break down i'd have money to fix it and friends all over the place to give me a hand.

i'd have my laptop and could go to any internet cafe if i needed to go online. (i also have a router, which they desperately need at wq- or at least they needed it when i was there last time.) i might even think about getting a dog! okay, now you KNOW i'm dreaming...!!! (but i really do want a dog! i'd get an older one that's already trained from craigslist or a shelter somewhere, that the family can't keep because they're moving. he could stay with me all the time, even when i go out to the wilderness to work, and the kids would love him! aww...)

i am so excited. i'm telling you, i have everything all planned out. i'd get a utah driver's license and become a resident so that whenever i decide to go back to school, i'll have super-cheap tuition. i can go to school every january and go back to work at wq every june-december. not until i graduate, just until i decide it's time to really get on top of my schooling. that could be in a year or two. i could even do online classes while i work at wq, doing the work on my off weeks and getting credits that way. this could totally work, i am telling you!

costco

today i went to costco with greg to buy groceries. it is cool having a friend (and a sister) with a costco card, so that i can buy things for a discounted price. the only problem with that store is that i don't NEED two economy sized jars of peanut butter for $7.35, and would be much better off getting one smaller sized one for $2.50. when i buy stuff at costco, it is expensive because there's a whole ton of it, which means i can only buy a few things, which means i am stuck eating the same meal for the next two weeks. is it worth it because i get the food for cheaper? hm, you tell me. 

i need to go to albertsons to get peanut butter and honey in regular quantities. i have a gift card so it'll be free! gift cards to grocery stores are such excellent presents for students, i think. at least for this student.  

oh, just to dispel any rumors out there, greg and i are never going to hook up. greg will never be a vasicek because i have already promised myself to marry someone who has absolutely no issues with food or depression, and greg has issues with both. besides, i don't like him in that way. he's an awesome friend, though, and i have lots of fun when we hang out. but it's not going anywhere.

sometimes i worry that i send mixed messages to boys. this is not a good thing. i have problems with making a guy think i like him when i don't, and then before i know it we're getting involved, and then i have to tell him i don't like him and he gets mad at me for leading him on, and there's not much i can say because i DID lead him on, even if i didn't mean to. i really hate it when i do that, but i don't mean to, so it's very hard for me to stop. oftentimes i don't even catch myself doing it until i find myself stuck in a relationship with a guy i don't even have feelings for. maybe it's because i am so out of touch with my emotions. no, more likely it's because i love attention and will do anything to get it from someone, even if it means leading them on. that is a really repulsive quality to have. ugh, i seriously need to work on that.

but i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my personality is to be funny and joke around and be flirtatious with people. like, even girls, or married guys or older people. that sounds weird, that i would flirt with them, but i don't do it because i'm interested in them; playful banter is just what i DO, how i like to communicate. is it my fault if someone reads too much into that? yes? if so, then that sucks.

anyway, guess what? next tuesday, i'll probably be eating dinner with the hot painter dude! i told him i'd buy him dinner in exchange for driving me to the airport- i still think that was super-sweet of him to volunteer to take me. i think i'd rather buy him dinner than make it for him, since i am not a good cook and if he wanted a microwaved frozen dinner, he could have one at his own house right? my culinary prowess would not be much of a thank you, i'm sad to say. i told him this and he said "haha, well, um, at least you're honest." i wish i had more patience with stoves and cutting boards.  

where will we go for dinner? not costco, since that would mean i'd have to bring kate (and danny) with me, or else greg. THAT wouldn't be awkward. and though their drinks are only 55 cents, i'd rather go somewhere slightly more upscale. like taco bell. (that was a JOKE) knowing me, we'll probably end up at brick oven again. i love that place! should i ask kate and danny to come with me? would that be weird and awkward, since they are practically engaged? so many possibilities! 

it has definitely been way too long since i went on a real date. (i do NOT count that disaster with marlon where we yelled at each other the whole time. okay okay, I yelled, he laughed at me condescendingly. which is worse?)  

my love sac is coming in the mail! i am so excited! soon, i shall be able to sprawl across it, laptop on my knees, and surf the net in comfort and style. if i clean my room, that is. right now there's not enough floor space cleared for it.  

dude, i wish i had a picture of this painter guy to post so everyone could see how hot he is. he's got this really cute, wide smile, and big, dreamy eyes with long eyelashes, and he has this really cute way of flipping his hair out of his face. my dad would think he's hot. he has very good taste in men. haha, that sounds funny, but it's true! he looks kind of like trent ford:

purpose of this blog

sometimes the posts here will be identical to the ones on my live journal. (www.desertwanderer.livejournal.com) sometimes they won't be. i am somewhat irked by the way my parents react when they read about my struggles: my mom sends me about fifty emails and calls me ten or eleven times, and sometimes she gets very emotional. i am a wimp; i cannot stand to hear my mother cry. therefore, when i am distraught and don't want my parents to have to deal with it, i'll still have an outlet for those emotions. or, similarly, if i want to say something and not get teased about it, i'll put it here. my siblings probably know about this blog though, so that'll still be a consideration. it's not like i'd write anything incredibly personal that i don't want anyone to know about and then post it on the internet. that's be just plain stupid.

WQ again!

i am so excited about going back to wilderness quest!! it is hard for me to think about school and focus on the here and now with thoughts about returning to work there as a field staff are bouncing wildly around my head! i know i cannot get ahead of myself--- look what happened last time i did that--- but it's sooooo hard not to!

i think the desert and wilderness quest are like france was for kate. now it is easier for me to understand why she was so annoying and never stopped talking about it all the time. if it were up to me, i'd be talking about WQ at least 50% of the time. but no one would get it! which is why i am SO excited that i might be able to return to WQ, because obviously the people there would know what i'm talking about! oh my gosh, i miss it so much...

i wrote a few letters to my old boss to verify whether or not he would give me a second chance if i expressed an interest in returning as a staff. imagine how happy i was to hear him say YES! he is not entirely closed to the idea, what he'd really need from me is some way of knowing that i am strong enough in my own recovery to be in that environment. (last time, one of the students triggered me INSANELY. but i was already doing kind of sucky in recovery by then anyways.) that makes sense to me, and i responded that i really have no intention of returning before i get myself one solid year in recovery, which will be in June of this year. I have seven months now, and even with that i know i wouldn't be ready if i tried to go back now. i think when i am ready, i'll pray about it, and i'll know. certainly melissa (my therapist) will know.

now all i can think about is wilderness quest and all the wonderful crazy happy funny fantastic times i had out there, both as a student and later as a staff, and anticipating going out there again!! it's really quite distracting, you know. i need to think about other things.

i have glow in the dark lipstick!

classes at school are going swimmingly! it turns out i have nothing to fear, the stuff being taught is totally not over my head whatsoever--- i'd even go as far to say that some (not all, but definitely a few) classes at Williston would be harder than some of the classes at UVSC. but then again, that's to be expected when it's public v. private. 

the great thing about UVSC being public, by the way, is that i got a bus pass for FIVE BUCKS!! at BYU, they're $70! HAH!

anyhow, now that i've faced my fears and gone to my classes, (i even took a leap and signed up for another one last minute, ENG 1010, making it 9 credits) i feel very capable and ready to face the world! i know nine credits is not hardly anything, but it's more than nothing, and for someone who hasn't been in school long-term since the tenth grade, it's plenty. besides, i am looking for a job, so it's not like i'm planning on lying around doing nothing when i'm not in class. the biggest obstacle when looking for a job is transportation. i have no car, therefore i rely on the bus, and unless i want to spend about two hours commuting everyday, i pretty much need to get a job somewhere within 5 miles of where i live, or at least on state street. it would be really cool if i could work selling alarms (i don't think i'd mind it, once i got past the initial fear of talking to people over the phone), but they are located way over by the riverwoods mall, and i'd have to take two seperate buses to get there.

a job at the university mall would make sense, since it would be easy to get to and from on my own, but those jobs pay $7-$8 per hour, and i was hoping for something slightly more lucrative. tomorrow i will have the entire day to search, minus a doctor's appointment in the morning. i need refills on my medications. it was kind of funny, because when joe and i went to the storage unit the other day, i found some spare pills in a heap of junk that i was sifting through- score! i'm actually no longer on trileptol, so i guess i can throw that bottle away. or sell it on the black market, heh heh... mood stabilizers anyone? heh heh...

dude, i ran into the most random person today! so i was walking through the institute building, leaving a message on joe's answering machine, totally not expecting anything, when i hear this high pitched SHRIEK, and there, right in front of me, staring at me in disbelief, was margaret valdez, from gardner ward!! i totally did not know she was out here!! actually, i think my mom had told me at some point but i had completely forgotten. it was so crazy!! she ran up to me and gave me this great big hug- she would not let me go for like, a whole minute! how funny that i ran into her on campus! i gave her my number and she's going to call me to get together some time.

i think we should have a springfield stake reunion. for real. me, kate, joe, greg, margaret, pat and matt cox, geoff, ellie, maybe kaori soon, elliot king, maybe cooper king soon, elder jones, elder sherwood, and i'm sure there's lots more people i'm forgetting. kate, if you are reading this, i think we should organize some sort of get-together, maybe at my house or yours. there's usually no one here except for me, so i doubt it would be too disruptive. kate and greg could do all the food since they like to cook, i can prepare the house and help spread the word, and joe can write more short stories to read for entertainment! (THAT LAST PART WAS JUST A JOKE, JOE, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WRITE MORE STORIES TO READ FOR ENTERTAINMENT!!) it's such a good idea! and the elders would totally feel like they were back on the mission, aww! i think we should do it! thoughts?

i like garrison keillor's voice, but i'm scared of his face. does anyone else feel the same way? recently, i've been feeling very repulsed when i see ugly people. this is not a good thing. i feel bad, like i'm prejudging them without meaning to. i wish i were nicer. then again, i have weird ideas of what's ugly and what's not, so maybe i'm doing the opposite without meaning to. hm. for example, i think george clooney is ugly. the hottest actor, in my opinion, is macauley culkin by FAR... and no, i am not talking about home alone, i am not a complete creep, i am talking about him when he's older. also, i think sheryl wringer is cute. but maybe i think that because i know she has a good heart, and so i don't notice her flaws anymore. meh, whatever. i'll try not to judge the weirdos i see on the bus as much. (first step: stop referring to them as "weirdos")

i think i am rambling now, so i'd better stop. all is not well in zion, but i'm doing pretty good. ta ta