okay, keeping two blogs was just too much work, so i decided to just keep my livejournal one. i liked the background choices better. This site has like, four choices. 

you can find it at desertwanderer.livejournal.com. You can only leave a comment if you have a livejournal account, though. Sorry.

baptisms

i went and did baptisms with mykle tonight at the provo temple. it was really crowded, it seemed to me. it was the first time i've ever been inside that temple; i've always admired the outside, because it looks like a fountain. mykle said he read somewhere that it's supposed to look like a pillar of fire. fire, water, either way, it's beautiful.

the fountains in front are so pretty. one of them the water would go very low, and then gradually shoot upwards about two feet higher, moving up and down as you watch it. i liked that.

i learned something new about myself tonight. when i went to the LA temple in california every week last fall/winter, i always HATED it when people would talk at the temple. it drove me crazy! i just wanted everyone to be completely silent, unless they were baptizing or confirming, anything else just killed the spirit for me. i was way tense.

mykle, as you know, likes to talk. so it should come as no surprise to me that he would talk in the temple. at first it bothered me, but after awhile, i began to relax. and i realized that really, there is nothing wrong with talking in the temple, as long as it is in a courteous whisper and the things you are saying draw the spirit closer to you. and i know you're thinking that i just changed my mind because it's mykle and mykle can do no wrong. but that's not true, because i got mad at him just tonight. i know he's not perfect, and i'm glad. perfection is intimidating. i liked talking to him in the temple, and having someone to hold my hand while we waited for our turn to get in the water. there was such a nice, peaceful feeling there, and it's lingered with me even after we left.

the provo temple is so beautiful. they have this massive portrait of jesus and john the baptist in the water as you descend the steps to the baptismal font. that's one of my favorite paintings of christ. my favorite part tonight was when we got into the water, and i looked up and saw these enormous mirrors all up and down the wall in front of us and the wall behind us, and i could see me standing there with mykle holding my wrist, going on forever into infinity. blurry, but beautiful. (i had my glasses off)

i like that in the provo temple, there are always enough people so that you don't have to call and make appointments. everyone does three names, and it was set up so that mykle got to baptize me, no problem. i liked him baptizing me. it felt real.

Saturday Sibling Dinner

saturday sibling dinner was the best one ever!

i brought mykle with me, and i was really excited going into it to see how kate and joe would like him. i had this feeling that joe would get along with him really well and kate would think he's nice but kind of weird. i have no idea if mykle was nervous or not; if he was, he sure didn't show it. unless he did show it and i just couldn't tell because i don't know what it looks like when he's nervous. whatever.

he and joe really hit it off. i have never had any of my friends or boyfriends get along so well with joe before. i mean, they always got along, but the way mykle and joe were talking, it just seemed like they could be friends even if i wasn't in the picture. they are so alike!! kind of scary, actually... i never thought i'd date a boy who's like my BROTHER!

kate and danny were so funny. i can't even remember half the things they said at dinner, but i was laughing the whole time. afterwards, we watched Howl's Moving Castle, which mykle brought with him. he had read the book before and was explaining what was going on during the movie; i had to keep telling him to be quiet! joe wants to read the book now.

i really liked the movie. i'd never seen it before, and the animation was very well-done. i especially liked calcipher, the fire demon, and the wheezing dog. they were so cute! whenever the dog came on the screen, joe and kate and danny would start wheezing along with him, which drove mykle crazy! it was pretty hilarious.

the funniest part of the entire evening was when joe had just left, and i said something along the lines of "poor joe, i'll bet he wishes he had a girl." and danny said "well, so did the prince!" referring to the ending of the movie when the prince gets unenchanted and tells sophie "you're my true love!" and she's already in love with howl, so the prince ends up alone. maybe you had to be there.

kate loved mykle. she thought he was really cool. i knew they'd adore him. he's just such a likeable guy, you know?

i have library fines again. oh well.

i feel pretty today:)

so my sister got engaged yesterday. wow! i always knew she'd be the first one. the wedding will probably be may 24th, in the boston temple. that SUCKS that i won't be able to see it. why can't nineteen-almost-twenty-year-old women who aren't married and haven't served missions go through the temple?? there's probably a really good reason for it. i just feel like whining.

yesterday i ate dinner at mykle's house. dude, his family is hilarious! we had lots of fun playing scrabble afterwards; mykle and i were a team and we won. but of course, that was to be expected. i always win at scrabble. it sounds snotty, i know, but it is one of the few things i am just really good at. useful, i know. NOT.

i had a cheese sandwich for lunch today. i have no idea why i just wrote that.

here are some drawings i did recently:

the is the christmas vacation series continued.

this is what i drew today.
this is how mykle makes me feel<33

pictures of us

 

myklemyklemyklemyklemyklemykle

i can't sleep. i'm too in love!!

i know i'm going to regret this later when i'm exhausted and can't keep my eyes open at dinner tonight. but how is a girl supposed to sleep when she's going half insane over some boy??

guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat???!! we're going out now! mykle is my boyfriend!!! i haven't had a boyfriend since viktor, and that was when i was barely seventeen. it was totally worth the wait, too.

he FINALLY kissed me, and i felt like dying! i think i'm going to die now just thinking about it. i told him i was going to die, and he asked me not to, please, because that would be tragic. it's true. but still.

oh my gosh, all this recovery shit and incredibly hard work i've done over the past three or four years has been TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! mykle would not like me if i were sick, and i wouldn't be in a position to pay attention to anyone but myself. recovery ROCKS!!! i highly recommend it to anyone with an eating disorder.

I was seriously going out of my mind at his house yesterday. he still hadn't kissed me; he knew i wanted him to, but he kept waiting for some reason. then when we were at my house and i was getting stuff for hot chocolate, i stepped forward and kind of buried my head in his neck. i could stay there forever, doing nothing else for the rest of my life but breathing in his smell. he can sense this and thinks it is funny. we sat down on the couch and were cuddling for ages, and i don't know if i've ever been happier. not in this way at least. i was making rows of kisses on his cheek and neck when he finally moved his head and kissed me on the lips. i am only the second girl he's ever kissed, which surprised me because he's had so many girlfriends before. i'm the opposite; kissed a lot, dated only one or two guys. not nearly as honorable, in my opinion, but oh well.

mykle is a fabulous kisser. at one point he asked me a question, and i couldn't think at ALL! it was funny! it took me a minute to summon enough brain activity to process what he asked. i like that he is always thinking and there are never awkward pauses with him because he loves to talk. hahahahahaha, that sounds pretty hilarious, but it's true! he's totally ADD; we'll be kissing and he'll start laughing because he thought of some funny, random thing. it's entertaining and keeps things from ever getting boring.

i could barely stand to let him go. i really think i could just sit and kiss mykle forever, with occasional bathroom breaks. and maybe food and showers. other than that, i'd like nothing better than to bury my face in his neck and kiss him all over. i literally melt when i'm with him. i thought i must be the only one who felt that way until i kissed him and he just dissolved. so i guess i drive him just as crazy as he does me. although he's probably able to sleep right now while i'm stuck awake and giddy like this. well, i had insomnia issues before this too, so that might have something to do with it.

there was one point yesterday when we were at school and he was working. He was watching me from a few yards away behind the counter, when i had this impulse to look up at him. i saw him watching me and i broke out into this goofy smile, and he winked at me. it was so cute. oh geez, i am head over heels for this guy...

i'm so happy he's a nice mormon boy. not only because he has the priesthood and we have a lot more in common because of the church, but also because it makes it so much easier for me not to cross the line. i have a really bad history of letting guys push me over that stupid line, and now it's great because i know mykle would never do that. he's such a good person. i love when he lets me sit there and cover his face with kisses. i love making him melt the way he does to me so easily. i loved when he pulled my hair out of it's ponytail to play with it, that was so cute. i love when i feel his warm breath in my ear, or listening to the way his voice echoes when i rest my head on his chest as he talks. i love how he'll just say exactly what he's thinking without worrying if it's embarrassing or not, like when he told me on our first date why he asked me out, or when he said he's always had a thing for girls with short hair. i love his boy-scent, and how when i get close enough to smell him i just want to die. i'm glad he wasn't afraid to cuddle with me in front of his family. i like his family. his dad is hilarious! 

i love when he catches me completely off-guard. the other night, i was in the middle of explaining something when he just interrupted me and said "your hair is pretty," and i almost dropped the pot i was holding. i forgot everything i was saying and just stared at him. he thought that was funny. or like when we were at his house and i was talking and he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. i couldn't remember anything i'd been saying and just kind of sighed and leaned my head against his chest.

oh my gosh, i sound so mushy talking about all this! i must be crazy about this guy if he's able to make me get all cheesy like this! he has this way of saying things sometimes that makes me want to fall over myself kissing him. crap, i'm doing it again! what is WRONG with me?? when did i decide to up and give my heart away? i cannot even believe i just wrote that last sentence, it is so corny. wow, i need to just stop typing before i completely humiliate myself...

i'm in love!

dreams

so i have been corrected. it seems i was in error when i wrote "baluga whale" in one of my comics strips; the proper term was "sperm whale." thank you joe.

the coolest thing happened to me last night while. i fell asleep on my bean bag chair, and i started having this really strange sensation, like my spirit was floating away from my body. it was like my body was no longer capable of containing it, so the particles just sort of drifted off into the sky and away into this imaginary universe. i knew i was dreaming, but i mistook it to be real at first. usually when i dream, it is like watching a cartoon version of myself. this time, however, i was inside this ghostly body looking out through the eye sockets like i do all day in real life. after a few minutes, i realized the most amazing thing; i could control everything that was happening. characters would come into my dream, but i could make them come or go, do what i wanted them to do and say what i wanted them to say. all i had to do was wish it and they'd do exactly what i was thinking. i could make the plot anything i wanted, design new people to meet and talk with, and start and stop the scenes as i liked.

the best part was that i could still FEEL; even though it wasn't my real body, when a person came and took my hand, i'd feel their touch. it didn't feel real exactly. it felt cool, like air, but substantial at the same time. even thought it was very very light, it still had some weight to it. i could feel other people's heartbeat just from touching their hand. at one point, i bit someone who i wanted to leave the dream, and i felt the cold on my teeth; my teeth had nerves in them!! weird, right?

another interesting thing about it was the background music. i didn't even notice it for a long time, until the song changed suddenly to something sort of familiar. it was electronica, like techno music, with a beat that matched my pulse. i think i was the only one who could hear it, after i started listening to it. it was like having a soundtrack to everything i was doing, one song that never stops going.

usually, i forget my dreams as soon as i open my eyes. but this one stayed with me, which made it more real than ever. it felt like it really happened for a few minutes. i wonder if there is something magical about my beanbag chair, or what. speaking of which, i need a name for my beanbag chair. any suggestions?

comics

date with mike2

i went out with mike again. i called him yesterday and asked him if he wanted to come to our saturday sibling dinner. he said he was already eating dinner, but asked me if i wanted to go out dancing with him later that night. 

we went to a high school in pleasant grove. there were about a hundred people there, some young, some old. most of them were wearing some sort of country dress, like boots and jeans and maybe a cowboy hat. i had never done country dancing before, but it wasn't that hard to learn. i was probably just lucky because dude is a freaking awesome leader, and made following incredibly easy for me. i was surprised what a great dancer he was! i told him he was great, then said something along the lines of "uh oh, i shouldn't have said that; it'll only make your oversized ego even bigger!" he laughed and agreed. he's extremely confident and carries himself very well, so it really is true that i have to be careful with compliments.

he showed me how to do all these twisting-turning moves to the fast songs, and then tried waltz and two-step to a few of the slow songs. i'm telling you, this guy is not a deacon-shuffle type of guy. he dances for real, and since he leads so well i almost feel like i know how to dance too! it had been over a year since i'd gone out dancing, and before that i hadn't done anything for about seven months. it felt good to get out there again! i refused to do the line dances, though, because it was too embarrassing. i told him i wouldn't line dance unless i knew every single person out there on the floor, and he thought that was funny.

we got tired after awhile, so we went to borders for some hot chocolate. unfortunately, borders had just closed, so instead we stopped at macey's and bought some hot chocolate and went to my house and made it ourselves. the only thing about mike that i don't like is that he talks a lot and doesn't listen enough. he'll talk about random things, too, like cars or a specific kind of guitar, and explain every little detail to me, even after i told him i don't know anything about cars. i think he took that to mean that i want to learn, or something. the first few times i just listened, but after awhile i started interrupting him, saying "oh no, not cars AGAIN!" in kind of a joking way to let him know to shut up without being too rude. now that i think about it, he reminds me of joe a LOT. not just because he likes explaining the most random things, but also his quirky sense of humor. his confidence reminds me of elliot. that's a little creepy. i'm not sure whether elliot amuses me, annoys me, infuriates me or disgusts me. but that's something else entirely.

tonight i went to game night at greg's house. they have it every sunday night, apparently. it was my first time going. i don't know what was the matter with greg, but he hid in his room the entire time! i still had a great time though; his roommate, dan, and esther, dan's fiancee, are absolutely hilarious! it was the girls against the boys, and we kicked their trash. whatever team i'm on ALWAYS wins. it doesn't matter what game we're playing or who's participating; i ALWAYS win. ALWAYS. the only game i ever lose is shanghai. dot kicked our trash with that over christmas break. i am very competitive, especially in word-games like scattergories and scrabble and catchphrase and boggle, and i make it a point to win every time. i'm also good at card games, though not as good as dot, apparently. i'm good at shuffling cards, too. i think my skills at board games and cards are largely due to all the time i spent in treatment. that's where i learned to do the bridge. i also put in a lot of time doing puzzles. i would get furious with anyone if they tried to help me with a puzzle i was working on. i need to learn to be more relaxed and easy-going when it comes to these types of things. that's probably what i like best about mike; he's just so laid-back about everything. it really helps to calm me down.

he's funny. somehow we got on the subject of hair (random, i know), and i told him his hair was the perfect length. (it is; he has the most FABULOUS hair i've ever seen on a guy, that i remember.) he said i should be careful about complimenting him on his hair because i'll make him fall head over heels for me. i'll wait and see if he is able to be a better listener, and then maybe i'll compliment his hair again.

more doodles and comics

date with mike

i just got back from the best date EVER! 

so much better than the one with painter dude!

me, mike (my date), and his two friends ben and eric all drove up the canyon and had a fire and smores in the middle of the snow. it was so much fun! not because we were outdoors or because i got to demonstrate my skills with fire, or because we had smores with reeses cups (my idea), though all of those things were great. it was fun because these guys are simply HILARIOUS! they're all kind of nerdy, but then again so am i, and it was really easy to talk to them. there wasn't any awkwardness, it was just like we had always been friends or something!

and mike and eric are so funny together! one is a democrat and one is republican, and they fight about EVERYTHING, but it's funny fake-arguing, which just makes me laugh! ben is quieter, more of a peacemaker. he made the most awesome roasted marshmallow reeses peanut butter cup sandwich EVER! he balances out the other two, and he's a better planner. like, it was his idea to bring aluminum foil to make the fire on since we were building it on top of the snow. the other two never would have bothered, and then we would have wound up without a fire.

and my date was so cute! he wouldn't let me get out of the car before he came around the side and opened the door for me! he told me he asked me out because he noticed that when he talks with me, he is funny and can make me laugh (very true, though it's also true that i laugh at pretty much anything), and he likes hanging out with people who laugh at his jokes. i'm a nice person to have around in that way, i guess. unless you have sensitive ears, because my laugh is very loud and jolting.

i say it was better than my date with painter dude because i had more fun, and i like the guy better, and there were other people there to break the ice and take away the tension, and he didn't kiss me at the end and make me feel bad, like i was committing to something i'm not ready to commit to. all three of the guys i was hanging out with are return missionaries, and even though i have nothing against nonmembers or inactive members, i think there's something about worthy church members and good clean fun that makes me feel comfortable and more able to relax and be myself.

it was so much fun, and i really hope he asks me out again! i told him he should; hopefully that's a big enough hint! you never know with guys, though...

now i'm anxious about seeing painter dude this saturday. he's nice but i know things with him won't go anywhere. he's incredibly hot but there just aren't any sparks for me. i wish i hadn't kissed him. regret... oh well. live and learn i guess. i'm glad i didn't kiss mike, even if part of me wanted to. i hate feeling committed to something i don't feel ready for.

narcoleptic?

Narcolepsy is a neurological condition most characterized by Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS). A narcoleptic will most likely experience disturbed nocturnal sleep, which is often confused with insomnia, and disorder of REM or rapid eye movement sleep. It is one of the dyssomnias. A narcoleptic may also sleep at any random time.

The main characteristic of narcolepsy is excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), even after adequate night time sleep. A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. Daytime naps may occur without warning and may be physically irresistible. These naps can occur several times a day. They are typically refreshing, but only for a few hours. Drowsiness may persist for prolonged periods of time. In addition, night-time sleep may be fragmented with frequent awakenings.

In most cases, the first symptom of narcolepsy to appear is excessive and overwhelming daytime sleepiness. The other symptoms may begin alone or in combination months or years after the onset of the daytime naps. There are wide variations in the development, severity, and order of appearance of cataplexy, sleep paralysis, and hypnagogic hallucinations in individuals. Only about 20 to 25 percent of people with narcolepsy experience all four symptoms. The excessive daytime sleepiness generally persists throughout life, but sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations may not.

Although these are the common symptoms of narcolepsy, many (although less than 40% of people with narcolepsy) also suffer from insomnia for extended periods of time. This is most often from an excess of sleep and/or use of self-medications such as energy drinks, or caffeinated drinks.

The symptoms of narcolepsy, especially the excessive daytime sleepiness and cataplexy, often become severe enough to cause serious problems in a person's social, personal, and professional life.

To imagine what a person with narcolepsy copes with daily, keep in mind that while many are not sleep-deprived (in the classical sense), a major symptom of narcolepsy is akin to sleep deprivation in a normal person; as a normal person, imagine going years functioning off just 3-4 hours of sleep per night. While lifestyle changes and drug therapy can help largely mitigate many symptoms of narcolepsy, there currently exists no complete and permanent solution, therefore patience, empathy and self-education are excellent coping tools.

Individuals with narcolepsy, their families, friends, and potential employers should know that: 

-Narcolepsy is a life-long condition that may require continuous medication. 

-Although there is no cure for narcolepsy at present, several medications can help reduce its symptoms. 

-People with narcolepsy can lead productive lives with proper medical care and lifestyle changes. 

-A major physiological and physical effect of narcolepsy is roughly akin to the effects of sleep deprivation; such effects can often be controlled and minimized through a combination of lifestyle changes and drug therapy. 

-Individuals with narcolepsy should avoid jobs that require driving long distances or handling hazardous equipment or that require alertness for lengthy periods (especially where the consequences of falling asleep are dangerous to themselves or others). 

-Parents, teachers, spouses, and employers should be aware of the symptoms of narcolepsy. This will help them avoid the mistake of confusing the person's behavior with laziness, hostility, rejection, or lack of interest and motivation. It will also help them provide essential support and cooperation. 

-Employers can promote better working opportunities for individuals with narcolepsy by permitting special work schedules and nap breaks.

Doctors generally agree that lifestyle changes can be very helpful to those suffering with narcolepsy. Suggested self-care tips, from the National Sleep Foundation, University at Buffalo, and Mayo Clinic, include: 

-Take several short daily naps (10-15 minutes) to combat excessive sleepiness and sleep attacks. -Develop a routine sleep schedule 

– try to go to sleep and awaken at the same time every day. 

-Alert your employers, co-workers and friends in the hope that others will accommodate your condition and help when needed. 

-Do not drive or operate dangerous equipment if you are sleepy. Take a nap before driving if possible. 

-Consider taking a break for a nap during a long driving trip. 

-Join a support group. 

-Break up larger tasks into small pieces and focusing on one small thing at a time. 

-Take several short walks during the day. 

-Carry a tape recorder, if possible, to record important conversations and meetings.

....i think i must have this. greg thinks i just have low iron. that is also a possibility. whatever my problem is, though, it is very real. i slept ten hours saturday night and had to leave church because i could not stay awake. i came home and slept for five hours. then, last night, i slept from 2am until 5:30pm, i am not even kidding. i am going to go to the drugstore and get something to treat it until i can see a doctor about it. i'll get pills for iron deficiency, probably, as well as codeine (they said that is supposed to help) and possibly caffeine pills. i need to stay awake during the day; this is very dangerous for my recovery. being up all night is depressing because i never get to talk to anyone, except greg because he works all night. but he's usually busy working. i haven't been getting out as much recently, either, and this could be very damaging to my schoolwork and job (if i ever get a job). just last week i had to cancel two appointments because of it, and i still had to pay for half the price. it is an expensive problem! and i'm telling you, there are very few things that are more painful than trying to stay awake and knowing it's very important that you do, but not being able to. especially when you're in church clothes and you don't have a car or anywhere to go. it's awful. it'd probably be even worse if i had a car- imagine trying to drive with this problem!

i need to go get this fixed. until then, i shall consult my local drugstore. 

greg is so nice. he takes me everywhere i need to go. just tonight he took me to go get bread and milk and soda at the grocery store (i was nice too, because i let him borrow some money to buy milk and butter for himself), and when i asked him if he'd take me to go get some codeine, he said sure. he also takes me to the gym almost every day. it's a good arrangement; he drives me to the gym, and i get on his case to take me to the gym so he doesn't sit around doing nothing all day. if you ask me, i have the harder job. sometimes i am just not motivated. tonight i was motivated to go, but FHE was too long and i missed my ride. how upsetting. oh well. not much i can do about it now.

greg says i look better without glasses. is that true? 

doodles

these are some drawings i did in sociology and psychology. i was taking notes but they didn't say anything important enough to write down except for the few lines i copied. i should give up on being a therapist and go back to byu to major in animation. it's funner.

my date with painter dude

oh wow.  

so i just barely got back from my date with painter dude. i am supposed to be working on homework or job applications but i cannot concentrate. i could probably go ahead and do a sociological analysis of the date, the way professor england likes us to, but i am not really in the mood for that. instead, i'll just give the high points and low points of the date.  

high point: talking without awkward silences 

low point: when he didn't come and open my door when he first got here 

high point: making me laugh by getting excited to see that they had smoothies 

low point: following me inside instead of leading the way in (i get self-conscious that people are looking at my butt) (i know it's just me being paranoid but still) 

high point: just being casual and relaxed, so i didn't have to feel anxious 

high point: sharing his pizza with me 

low point: when his phone rang and he took the call at the table 

low point: having a hard time with the food (restaurants are always hard) 

high point: pulling through anyways and eating intuitively because i'm AWESOME 

high point: when he opened the car door for me as we were leaving 

high point: thanking me for paying (i told him i'd pay to thank him for driving me to the airport, but it was still nice of him to thank me) 

high point: telling me i'm pretty (i am a sucker for that. maybe it's because i want to believe it so badly.) 

high point: walking me to my door 

high point: asking me out again this saturday 

high point: getting a kiss goodnight  

all in all, a good date i think. maybe i can turn my dating history around and have less disasters, now that i know what it's like not to have things go completely wrong.  

my mom would love this guy, because he is so laid-back and relaxed, and very nice and polite and not sarcastic, and he tucked in his shirt. (except the phone thing wasn't very polite, but i think guys are just dumb sometimes) pop would like him because he's like a cowboy bull rider guy, and he'd probably slip into a southern accent talking to him. But he wouldn't like the fact that he isn't in college and doesn't plan to go and wouldn't be very excited about doing math problems with him. Kate would think he's okay. Dot would think he's incredibly hot and nod her approval at his cowboy boots, maybe asking if he has a brother or a friend she could hook up with. Joe is in his own little universe.  

i like him. he's not my one true love (if i even have one) and i'd never marry him, but it's not like i'm in some sort of hurry. i like how he is able to calm me down by being casual, and i like that he's an optimist. sometimes a lack of sarcasm can be like a breath of fresh air. and, he's flat out gorgeous. he's a taurus, which is supposed to be my perfect match. (completely irrelevant yet slightly interesting) i want to see him ride a bull.

sad

I'm so sad right now, and I don't know why. I hate it when the depression hits me like this; it's like someone creeps up behind you and slams a frying pan into the back of your head. In one fell swoop all your motivation, all your cheerfulness and confidence and contentment is drained out of you, replaced by this horribly uncomfortable feeling of sadness that sucks away all your will power and energy. It's a lonely sort of sadness, lonely and helpless and hopeless and forgotten, lost and abandoned and betrayed by everyone. and suddenly no one loves you, no one knows you or cares about you or even notices or thinks about you. your parents love you, but they don't count because they're your parents. your siblings love you but they have their own troubles to worry about. your friends all hate you because you're just an annoying, needy head-case who is destined to fail at anything they try.

it's surreal, too. because i know this feeling enveloping me is just plastic, and if i had the right tools i could chop it up easily. but i don't have anything and it has me trapped where i can't move or breathe or blink. all i can do is think about how miserable i am and how i have no one and never will, and i how i don't deserve happiness anyway.

the loneliness is the worst part, but the self-hatred is a close second. i am ugly, i am grotesque, i am loathsome and stupid and pathetic and i could have been something spectacular, i could have been great, but i ruined it, i ruined everything, i always ruin everything. i am a dirty, repulsive, whining, clingy, disgusting whore and i deserve to be treated like one. it is my own fault for making myself this way, and the regret tears into me like a knife cutting into dry ice, only the ice isn't screaming, i'm screaming, i'm screaming and writhing and no one will help me, they just look at me, revolted, and walk away. they could save me if they wanted to but no one wants to and no one ever will because i am not worth saving. i am not worth the space i take up on this planet.

so, yeah. i'm depressed. hopefully my readers enjoyed my poetic description of what it's like to feel like shit. as to what i'm going to do about it, well, what CAN i do about it? whenever i go to a friend with my problems, they are disgusted and run away like i have some sort of highly contagious disease, and spending time with me might get them infected. and i seriously don't have any friends to talk to anyway; they are all in other states. that's what happens when everyone you know is from treatment centers. i could drown my sorrows in something healthy like exercise or art or meditation, but those things take too much effort; i can hardly summon the energy to type this. i could channel my distress into an unhealthy coping mechanism, like food or burning or cutting (tempting), but i have lost the energy it takes to go down that path either. i am too worn out to relapse; having an eating disorder is a hell of a lot of work, and besides, i am aware of the benefits which are few and far between, especially when compared with the costs. no, i won't binge and purge tonight. 

so what else can i do? what other options do i have? i could read but i don't have the concentration. i could play piano but i just finished doing that. i could look at dirty web sites but that is revolting and i'd rather slice my arms open. i could watch tv but i don't have one. i could clean my room but i just finished with that. i want to write my story, but i'm afraid it will just make me more sad. i'm on the part where i met john for the first time. for those of you who don't know, john was one of the chief instructors in the wilderness program i was at when i was 17. he and mark, the other CI, were both my heroes. they helped save my life. then they both let me down. it was my own fault, too. it was that gross, inexplicable quality about me that makes people want to run- i am not making this up, there is seriously something about me that repulses people when they get to know me too well. they came too close, saw whatever it was in me, turned around and ran as fast as they could to get away from me. the words ryan said to me that day out in the summer range are seared into my brain, i can't escape from them.

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town." 

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"There's a reason you weren't told he was in town."

"THERE'S A REASON YOU WEREN'T TOLD HE WAS IN TOWN."

and i hate myself even more, until i wish i could rip my soul into tiny shreds and burn them and bury the ashes ten miles underground so no one would find them and be plagued by my presence ever again. and i know i can't trust ANYONE, because no matter how well-meaning they are, i know they'll run when they see it. no one stays. the only people who stay are tied to me by blood. they've seen me grow up and i've seen them grow up and i guess that makes us friends forever. but what good is a family when you're alone and destroyed, and the world exists to let you down? 

no, i can't write my story when i'm like this. i'd probably get all sad and sentimental and regretful about john and end up rereading it later and sounding like a retard and erasing it all because it's complete trash. john, you let me down. i know i disgust you and annoy you and you don't want to be bothered by me so much that you won't even add me as a friend on facebook and refuse my invitation when i send it. you come into town and apparently "there's a reason why i was not informed." reason being, you dislike me and think i am a clingy, needy, whiny kid who has a crush on you. but maybe it wasn't that i was whiny and needy and had a crush. maybe it was that you helped me remember why i chose to live, why i wanted to live, why all the pain was worth it. YOU gave that back to me, YOU helped me trust people again, and i believed you when you promised to write me back, that i could talk to you anytime and you wouldn't care, that i was wrong when i worried that you'd forget me. Maybe you were just my goddamn fucking hero, the first hero i'd ever had, and i'm sorry because obviously you can't handle being someone's hero. you do your job but you can't deal with the responsibility because you made fucking sure i wouldn't look to you as a mentor as soon as you noticed it happening. you took great pains to insure that you wouldn't be my hero anymore. well congratulations, john, you're not.

i am so mad right now. anger gives me more energy than depression. i was all set to sleep my sadness away, but now i am angry as hell. i want to kick someone in the nads, but i guess i'll have to settle for cleaning my room again. 

by the way, if anyone was disturbed at all by this entry, don't worry. it'll all evaporate in the morning when i take my effexor. goodnight---